I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
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Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
and this one
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.