@POTerritory

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

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@Rhythms_n_Booze

HR: You know why we called you down?

Me:Hm. Promotion?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to reporting a hacking.

@better_off_dad

Life is like a Rubik’s Cube

It may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the shit out of someone.

@RunwayDan

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

@juliussharpe

“The Great Gatsby” is an awesome book about a rich guy who can’t get laid.

@daemonic3

date: this is my first time at a french restaurant

me: i feel like i’ve been here once before

date: are you having deja vu?

me: no i’m having the chicken

@KentWGraham

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

@SSparklesDaily

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

@shopkins776

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

@dubstep4dads

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad