Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
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An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.