@POTerritory

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

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@Pundamentalism

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

@NoogsCorner

An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.

@illuminateddino

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

@JD_Barney

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

@SatansTongue

(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those

@tastefactory

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

@wolfmannjr

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

@thesulk

My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.