@laurenreeves

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

You Might Also Like

@ruinedpicnic

“anyone for turkey burgers?”
turkey: well sure haha
“oh, it’s not a burger for turkeys”
turkey: what is it then
“uhh”
turkey: say it

@Lisabug74

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

@novicefather

My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.

@jonnysun

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

@thenatewolf

“You do realize it’s a crime to lie in court, right?”

*I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

@AHundredElbows

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

@Smug_Lemur

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.