What did Mozart say to the police clerk? “I’ll be Bach” hahaha. What do you mean they’re different people
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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[Interrupts the wedding vows] it’s open bar right?
You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.