I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.