@laurenreeves

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

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@neonwario

What did Mozart say to the police clerk? “I’ll be Bach” hahaha. What do you mean they’re different people

@DWaitress

You’re right, sir. It’s MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account.

@paulablu22

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

@lindseyallen

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

@LibelousLurker

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

@KateWouldHaveIt

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

@1evilidiot

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

@Eagle_Vision

Yes, Pitbull, we are having a good time. Please stop asking every two minutes.