@3sunzzz
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
@Easy_Tiger__
I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.
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@3sunzzz
@rudy_mustang
God: then u become a butterfly
Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly
God: yah lol the “rest”
C: how long
G
C:how long God
@DaddyJew
Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
@OneTrickTofani
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
@EliTerry
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
@SlackArab
If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
@Cheeseboy22
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
@Fred_Delicious
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
@gingerfaced
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
@jergarl
Me: My leg always feels like my phone is vibrating.
WebMD: Phone Cancer