I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.
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broke down and did it
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Only 99 problems?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..
That’s how the fight started
[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My date thinks he’s gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants.
The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I’m wearing a skirt.