@Easy_Tiger__

I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.

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@H0TMessBarbie

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

@lucky_300

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

@robwhisman

[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would

@fuzzypantaloons

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

@MartaEffing

My date thinks he’s gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants.

The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I’m wearing a skirt.