My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.
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God: then u become a butterfly
Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly
God: yah lol the “rest”
C: how long
C:how long God
Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Me: My leg always feels like my phone is vibrating.
WebMD: Phone Cancer