@H0TMessBarbie
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
@Easy_Tiger__
I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.
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@H0TMessBarbie
@Skoog
broke down and did it
@blade_funner
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
@WilliamAder
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
@LadyM_07
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
@ThugRaccoons
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
@lucky_300
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
@robwhisman
[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would
@fuzzypantaloons
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
@MartaEffing
My date thinks he’s gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants.
The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I’m wearing a skirt.