I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
The booster protects against what, now?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Need WebMD
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;