@Easy_Tiger__

I’m playing dead at work right now so nobody will talk to me. Everyone is screaming. Probably should have used less fake blood.

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@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

@rudy_mustang

God: then u become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yah lol the “rest”

C: how long

G

C:how long God

@DaddyJew

Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?

Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor

*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*

@OneTrickTofani

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

@EliTerry

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

@SlackArab

If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

@Cheeseboy22

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

@Fred_Delicious

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

@gingerfaced

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

@jergarl

Me: My leg always feels like my phone is vibrating.

WebMD: Phone Cancer