*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
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90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Him: omg you showered!
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!