[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
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Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My typo game is string.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay