@FattMernandez

I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

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@iwearaonesie

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

@Crunk_Jews

90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

@JediGigi

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

@KrangTNelson

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

@Marlebean

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”