I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
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I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.