My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
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If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.