I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
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Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I ate everything, including the H.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
just gave your address to some spiders
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.