I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
You Might Also Like
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
time for some seasonal decor
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust