Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh