I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

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Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.


*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now


I was just at a restaurant and they yelled out order 867 so I yelled out 5309 and absolutely nobody laughed, how does nobody find this funny?


Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.


if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened


[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”


If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.


When the Olympics adds a Parent Shaking Head In Disbelief At His Child competition, I will do our country proud.


18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.


[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]