I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
You Might Also Like
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me