@BrassBallsCJ

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

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@Home_Halfway

You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.

@Adam14

We’re like that movie You’ve Got Mail. You’re with the wrong guy, I’m with the wrong girl then I end up on an island married to a volleyball

@iamspacegirl

Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.

@Amburglar_

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

@moxieblogger

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

@girl_a_whirl

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

@Crunk_Jews

Her: what’s your favorite thing about our date tonight?

Me: that it’s almost over

@trojansauce

ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it’s difficult to read, but i’d hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne