@BrassBallsCJ

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

*leaves one cupcake in work kitchen*

*watches live version of Hunger Games*

@pilau

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

@nicfit75

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

@Tytayniss

Baby terrorist: *points gun* haha I’ve got you now!

Baby spy: *covers face with hands*

Baby terrorist: what!! where did he go???

@MomOnFire

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

@brianbowman73

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

@yonewt

Just figured out what “CW” means so now I have to re-read all of Twitter.

@kyry5

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

@BwanaChris

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”