Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
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ppl: are u sick?
me: no, im just ugly
You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.
We’re like that movie You’ve Got Mail. You’re with the wrong guy, I’m with the wrong girl then I end up on an island married to a volleyball
Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Her: what’s your favorite thing about our date tonight?
Me: that it’s almost over
ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it’s difficult to read, but i’d hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne