When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
You Might Also Like
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro