The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
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[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
*orders delivery*
definitely did not do anything wrong
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am: