@toomanycommas3

“I’m pretty good at not taking things personally,” she lied, after 4 hours of analyzing why he asked if she was having a bad day.

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@adamrensch

Kuwait a minute. Yemen to tell me if Iraq up this war debt Iran the economy into Syria’s trouble? Oman, can someone tell me if this Israel?

@SaulOdenkirk

Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention..

Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too?

Boss: No..

Me: Good talk

@armyVet1972

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

@junejuly12

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

@MasterOfFury

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

@thestlouisan

It’s like “society” expects you to wear “different clothes” every day.

@rockymomax

Bank robber: EVERYONE BE CALM AND NO ONE GETS HURT
Guy from back of room: IM DATING UR EX WIFE
BR: [sobbing] ok only one person gets hurt

@GreenishDuck

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

@astutenewf

My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.