Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
You Might Also Like
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
the composer
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
❤️❤️❤️
LOL
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Sign of the day..
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.