I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
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Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Bruh PLEASE
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
i meant to share this earlier
<- sleeps well with others