I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
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Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is