@jackmackenroth

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

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@JoParkerBear

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

@BlakWidowBarbee

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@Artemis_Ascends

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

@SunnySideUp1987

If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.

@jonnysun

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

@climaxximus

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

@mrjohndarby

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

@MeDistracting

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

@suumbal

him: I like bad girls

me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.

@JodingersCat

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one