I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
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Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
me: son, your mother’s in hospital
son: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
him: I like bad girls
me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one