I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
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I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Fight
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!