I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
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“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Krampus.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy