just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
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My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
yeah not falling for this one
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.