My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
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Me: you married?
Me: your wife know about that?
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave
9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?