@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

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@aveuaskew

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

@LipLush1

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

@egg_dog

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

@_elvishpresley_

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

@Ygrene

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

@theevilwriter

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

@QwertyJones3

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?