I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

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My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating


Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.


“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”


My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends


you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye




Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.


It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5