@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

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@MelvinofYork

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

@YSylon

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

@Izianikapani

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

@ShortSleeveSuit

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

@yoiain

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

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@Crunk_Jews

Tell me, “everything happens for a reason” so I know you’re an idiot.

@SoulYodeler

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5