Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
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My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.