I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
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Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Why do meteors always land in craters?
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.