I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
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I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?