I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going