I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
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Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.