@mack44_d

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

You Might Also Like

@karlainvt

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

@TheBoydP

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

@bogadafet

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

@shariv67

God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.

@sonictyrant

[watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: this is the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen

@simoncholland

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

@TheRolo

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.