I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

You Might Also Like


My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.


Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?


*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…


Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.


God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.


[watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: this is the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen


Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.


Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!


{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME: Okay I need to repack.