I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
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Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.