@BlackJerms

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

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@dave_cactus

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

@Mr_Kapowski

[ATM, with a line of people behind me]

Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?

@Izianikapani

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

@shegotagronk

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

@krisv_723

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

@UncleDuke1969

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

@simoncholland

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

@JermHimselfish

I’ve never been put in the “friend” zone, but I have been put in the “please don’t tell my friend’s” zone.