ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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[ATM, with a line of people behind me]
Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I’ve never been put in the “friend” zone, but I have been put in the “please don’t tell my friend’s” zone.