I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone