I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
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My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex