I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
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every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
keep reaching for the stars, kid: