“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
You Might Also Like
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉