@Sarcasticsapien

I’m pretty sure that the guy who wrote about the Apocalypse was a meteorologist.

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@AristotlesNZ

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

@badbanana

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

@iinkedZombie

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

@Sickayduh

[Touring Italy]
Guide: Bathroom anyone?
Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza
Guide: That’s Pisa
Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza

@UncleDuke1969

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

@Karate_Horse

[tense situation in the war room]
“Ok now type in the nuke codes EXACTLY as I say them or it’ll blow.1-4-7-teen”
CRAP
[huge explosion]

@HousewifeOfHell

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.