I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
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I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
The devil.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
What personal space?
My dog
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.