I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

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I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That’ll teach ’em. Can’t unsee that.


I hope buying all this cat food doesn’t make me look like a crazy cat lady.

I just like the taste.


*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.


Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT


My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.


coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them


WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well


[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”


-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.