I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.