I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand