I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
“i miss shittin on people”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
It be like that sometimes 😆