I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

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Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?


The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?


Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,

Patient: My name’s not Ted.

Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.


*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times


Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.


ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww


My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.


Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys