I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
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I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30