Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
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The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?
Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,
Patient: My name’s not Ted.
Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.
Happy birthday to all the women
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys