DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”
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i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
If I were Santa Claus, I’d have my agent be like “He’s not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car.”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said