I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”

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[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry


Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!


I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me


Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…


You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.


Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months


Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.


You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?


My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”