My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
You Might Also Like
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
The smoothest fall of all time
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My current situation