@MentalAbortions

I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”

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@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

@BlindChow

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

@julieklausner

If I were Santa Claus, I’d have my agent be like “He’s not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car.”

@hardlyrelevant

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

@CandyEmpires

If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.

@donni

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

@yazminda12

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

@abrianmc

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

@Lisabug74

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

@iwearaonesie

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said