@MentalAbortions

I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”

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@jarry

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

@NathanFillion

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

@mattZillaaaa

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

@yonewt

You’re damn right I want to complete an online survey, hand that receipt right here.

@CrockettForReal

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

@BrosefWtheMosef

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

@SaveItForFest

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

@msdanifernandez

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”