God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming