I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.

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Oh you like Oreos? Name five of their albums. And I’m talking their obscure shit like watermelon, none of this main stream birthday cake shi


Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.


*looks under bed*

*checks closet*

*shuts light, runs to bed*

*pulls covers over head*

*ice maker dumps ice*

*dies from cardiac arrest*


If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”


95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.


Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime


People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*


I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle



If a man approaches you and he’s wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still.

Their vision is based off movement.