@lmwortho

I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.

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@yendys1

Oh you like Oreos? Name five of their albums. And I’m talking their obscure shit like watermelon, none of this main stream birthday cake shi

@SondraDeeMe

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

@Sal0630

*looks under bed*

*checks closet*

*shuts light, runs to bed*

*pulls covers over head*

*ice maker dumps ice*

*dies from cardiac arrest*

@weinerdog4life

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

@jus4golf

95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.

@lolajxx

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

@preritpathak

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

@HenpeckedHal

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

@aPunch2theJunk

Ladies:

If a man approaches you and he’s wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still.

Their vision is based off movement.