@gruffybeard

I’m pretty sure Tom and Jerry were married.

Sure, there were some instances of them getting along, but mostly they never talked and spent their days trying to kill each other in the most painful way possible.

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@jus4golf

Last night I got so drunk I spent an hour apologizing to a tree for saying it’s bark was worse than it’s bite.

@ThatBrenna

People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it’s difficult to drive.

@rolldiggity

The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a “Worst Trophy Shop” trophy and then never pick it up.

@VisionBored1

Me, age 30: *scrolling*

Me, age 37: *finally finds the recipe at the end*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

@pilau

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

@UTHBOMB99

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

@upsidedowntrash

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

@kidnapped_jesus

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately