@galiamango

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

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@fakeadultmom

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

@tyleroakley

imagine boycotting beauty & the beast because of a gay character while being totally cool with a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo

@justokpanda

[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-

Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now

Him: 19+1/21-1

@CodyJP9412

REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.

DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!

@Real_Dick_Head

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

@UncleDuke1969

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

@TheAndrewNadeau

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?