Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
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My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
imagine boycotting beauty & the beast because of a gay character while being totally cool with a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo
[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-
Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now
REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.
DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!
Found out last night my safe word is “HEY!Hey.Hey!HEY!”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?