I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
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HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food