I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
How it started: How it’s going:
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app