Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1608971301032701953/pu/vid/702x720/SKgEFVWEHH8xEwtj.mp4?tag=12

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

Need WebMD

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.