I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
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I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
me before I type out affect or effect
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once