@EBenita0517

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

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@AndyAsAdjective

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

@rockymomax

HER: I’m leaving you

ME: why

HER: u lie to me constantly

ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber

@QwertyJones3

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

@Cheeseboy22

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

@Darlainky

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

@RiotGrlErin

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

@Marlebean

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

@foodfacenow

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.