I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC