I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
A little too much information.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.