“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
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If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Love thy neighbor’s dog
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup