parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager
I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I’d like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me.
2yo: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
2yo: I don’t know.
Maybe zombies just have shampoo in their eyes.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT