I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

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parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd


I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store


Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.


it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager


I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8


[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane


I’d like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me.

2yo: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
2yo: I don’t know.


WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT