I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
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Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
want me to check your oil?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.