I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’