I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
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Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
sugar glider wrangler
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.